


All I Can Do

by YouHateInvisiblePie



Series: Inspired by music [5]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, M/M, canon typical cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:12:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouHateInvisiblePie/pseuds/YouHateInvisiblePie
Summary: Simmons writes letters to Grif.That's the point of these letters, isn't it? To tell you things that I couldn't or didn't before?I know we were happy, but I seem to have no evidence of it. I know that I shouldn't need proof. It's not like I'm trying to convince anyone of it.Maybe I'm trying to convince myself.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a_taller_tale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_taller_tale/gifts).



> This story is an alternative ending to "In Between the Bullets". Not a happier one mind you, just a different one that gives a bit more insight into Simmons' reasoning. a_taller_tale left a comment that stuck with me about being saddened because the readers and Grif would never know why Simmons acted the way that he did. Well, here you go.
> 
> That being said, it is not necessary to have read "In Between the Bullets" for this to make sense.

[The therapist said  
"The therapist" that sounds like I could be talking about any therapist instead of my own. What I meant to say was "my therapist". Only I really didn't want to because that makes me sound like the type of person who needs a therapist. Although considering that I have a therapist that makes me the kind of person who needs one, doesn't it? I don't like having to admit it though. 

That's the point of these letters, isn't it? To tell you things that I couldn't or didn't before? 

This has become convoluted. Maybe I should start over.]

Simmons crumpled up the paper and dropped it in the trash.

[My therapist said that writing letters to you is supposed to help. I don't really see how, it's not like you are going to write back. I'm giving it a shot though, since I don't really have anything else to lo ]

He crumpled the page and threw it in the trash with the first.

Again.

[Dear Grif,]

Again and again until he finally got it right. Or something close at least.

[Watching leaves fall in September, the last time that I can remember you smiling down on me. Was that really the last time that we smiled together? Was it the last time that we laughed?

I have been trying to think of good memories because all I can seem to focus on are those last few days. 

I feel nothing but regret. I'm not certain that I feel that much some days. It is just nothing. I barely seem to exist anymore. It is like my heart stopped beating but my body manages to keep going somehow.]

Simmons let out a humorless laugh.

[I meant that figuratively, but realized that it was true. 

Back in Blood Gulch. You literally had my heart. Now it has stopped. Yet I still carry on. It's unnatural. Existing while my heart no longer beats. Maybe I shouldn't either.]

Another page joined the steadily growing pile in the trashcan. 

[I found some old photographs the other day.

You are in our old kitchen in Blood Gulch making... something. I can't tell from the image and to be honest, I don't remember taking the picture at all. It was before the accident though. You are smiling. An honest, genuine smile. Around food of course, but it was probably the first time that I saw it. Maybe that is why I took the picture, to remind myself that you were human and maybe just maybe not so bad afterall.

I barely found you tolerable then, yet that is what I have keepsakes of. Bad memories and pictures from a time long before we were an us. When we were barely even friends. 

I know we were happy, but I seem to have no evidence of it. I know that I shouldn't need proof. It's not like I'm trying to convince anyone of it. 

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself. Like, "look Simmons it wasn't all bad. If it was always awful he wouldn't have]

Another page.

[The smell of your left smoking fingers.]

Again.

[The image of you bruised and bleeding still lingers on inside this head of mine.]

Fighting. "You made me the happiest person I've ever been in years. Now you do nothing but hurt me. So either say yes or end this. Put me out of my misery one way or another because I can't do this anymore with you Simmons. I just can't." 

A gunshot. "Grif! No, no, no, no, no. Keep your eyes open you lazy fat-ass. Yes. Absolutely. Of course. There, now you can't leave me. We have to get married."

A sad chuckle. "You were never satisfied."

[I wonder if it will ever not be there to haunt me every time I close my eyes.

I fear that one day it won't be.

How fucked up is that?]

Another start.

[You measured life by good things, while I have found that it is the bad things that define us, shape us, mold us. I know you tried to show me that I was wrong but I never listened. Now I wish I had.]

Again.

[I thought I smelled your Marlboro burning as I rinsed my hair this morning. I yelled at you for smoking inside again and how bad smoking was in general for my/your lungs. It took me a moment to realize why you didn't shout back.

Of course you didn't respond. How could you? You're]

Another crumpled page. 

[The diesel truck the neighbour drives fools me into thinking you're alive and coming home.]

Write. Crumple. Repeat.

[Surely guilt will eat my heart alive.]

Again.

[You've left me here in pain and wonder regretting]

Another start.

[I can't stand the words. You know which ones. The ones that I'd never let you say. The ones I know you wanted to. 

I never did tell you why, did I?

Every person who has said them to me has hurt me irreparably. And I guess I thought that if we just never said it then nothing bad would happen. We could just carry on. The universe would stay balanced. Because if I was allowed to have you completely, if the heavens gave me everything I could ever want... I feared what it would take in retribution. 

Not even for a second did I think that it would take you.]

Another reject joined the others.

[You might have saved me from the dark.]

[All I can do is write these letters that will never get to you.]

[Yes.]

[Abso]

[Of cour]

[I'd lo]

[I lov]

[Of course I'll mar]

[How could I ever say no?]

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Letters" by Lera Lynn


End file.
